How to stay calm, compassionate, and grounded
When someone close to us has a significant problem causing them emotional distress, whether it's anxiety, anger, or depression, we want to help. But how? If we can offer some helpful advice that will alleviate their distress, both they and we will feel relieved. But if there seems to be nothing we can do, this may feel intolerable, and we may find ourselves absorbing some of their emotional pain ourselves. Why does this happen?
Responses to Their/Our Distress
Their distress is a stimulus to which our mind must find a response, and it chooses the best possible response that's available. If we're too overwhelmed by their distress to tolerate what they're feeling, the response would be to leave the situation. Or to match with a false solution of denying or minimizing their distress. But if our response need not be that extreme, our mind may choose to try to alleviate some of their suffering by taking some of it on ourselves, trying to share it as we might share food, as a way of lessening the amount that they are feeling. But rather than helping, this will make the situation worse, because sensing our distress will increase theirs.
Boundary Problems
Taking on some of their distress is a boundary problem. Another is inserting ourselves into their situation such that we try to do too much to help. For example, if they are having a disagreement with a loved one, we might be tempted to talk with the loved one ourselves rather than helping them do it, or we might spend too much time trying to provide comfort at the expense of our own needs.
The Effects on You
When you become entangled in another person's distress, your ability to think clearly on your own behalf begins to suffer. You may feel depleted, with a persistent sense of heaviness and fatigue. Sleep disturbances, irritability, and feelings of resentment may arise. Anxiety about their situation can set in, and you might begin to feel responsible for the outcome—an emotional burden that often leads to guilt.
This overidentification with their pain can activate your body’s stress response. As cortisol and other stress hormones flood your system, immune function can be impaired, inflammation may occur, and preexisting health problems can worsen. What starts as compassion becomes a serious drain on your mental and physical well-being.
How Your Inner Guide Can Help
Your Inner Guide will recognize if another person's distress is affecting you so deeply that you might begin to lose boundaries and, if you have been giving it regular time to work, it will prevent that from happening. It will also know which interventions, if any, would be helpful: whether to simply listen, to assist in a positive way, or do nothing.
If you don't yet have an Inner Guide, I'll soon be offering a new way to acquire one.
